Do you spend over two hours a day following the OJ case?
  Are you considering writing a biography of John Wayne Bobbitt?
  Do you wish you were a kid again just so you could meet
    Michael Jackson?
  Is Elvis a central part of everyday conversation?

	If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may have a
problem.  You may be one of an estimated three-hundred thousand
Americans suffering from Popular Media Syndrome (PMS).  We can
help.  We have more than thirty-six years of experience here at
the Media Detox Center, and use proven methods to cure you of
that crippling obsession.  Located in picturesque Germantown,
just minutes outside of Graceland, our state of the art
facilities are sure to make your stay both productive and
enjoyable.

	Our rigorous four-step process boasts a 73% success rate in
curing the victim for at least two years.

	The first step is saturation.  We put you in a room with others
that have your obsession, arm you with all the current and past
media we can dig up, and let nature do the rest.  We hire the
best impersonators in the business, so you can personally meet
your obsession, discuss problems, and ask questions of them. 
One TV plays Natural Born Killers on a repeat loop twenty-four
hours a day.  Within three days, most of our patients are so
sick of their media addiction that they never want to hear
another sound byte again.  And this is only the beginning.

	Next comes what is usually the hardest part of the treatment. 
Isolation.  Each patient is given a room of their own which is
stocked only with a few works of classic literature. 
Interaction with others is kept to a minimum.  In this time, the
victim comes to realize the barrenness and futility of their
addiction.

	Four days later comes the third and most important stage of the
treatment, reeducation.  Students learn key phrases like, "How
about that weather?", "I love reality", and "Lately, I've really
taken a liking to Shakespeare."  We show the victims that there
is a world outside popular media, and it can be just as
fulfilling as before.

	Finally, reintegration occurs when we invite the patient's
friends and family back to take them back into the real world. 
We instruct the patient's friends to be gentle and bring up
topics outside of the media, and make sure that they will try to
do something if the patient's addiction recurs.  In most cases,
the victim has no problems with this step, as he or she is now
cleansed of bad habits and is now practically a new person, more
lucid and sane than ever before.

	If you or someone you know might have PMS, feel free to contact
the Media Detox Center through the internet: HELP@MDC.COM, or at
WWW.MDC.COM.  If you don't have Internet access, calling
1-800-MARILYN will contact you with a knowledgable and friendly
detox representative.  Please don't hesitate.  A cure is only
seconds away.

  Special saturation programs offered at MDC for our most
    popular Popular Media Syndromes:

	OJ Squeeze:  We have the Bronco, the bloody glove, and a
full-time Judge Ito impersonator.  Pictures of Paula Barbieri,
OJ, Nicole, and Al Cowlings line the walls of our saturation
center where we have one television constantly tuned to the Dick
Van Dyke and Mary Tyler Moore shows.  As a special bonus, we
conduct a mock trial and let you be the jury.

	Bobbitomania:  John Wayne Bobbitt Uncut is, of course, always
showing.  But the star attraction and true reason why most
people succeed with this program is our way of answering that
yearning question:  What was it like?  Our VR Engine uses state
of the art Silicon Graphics Machines and a bodysuit to simulate
the visceral cutting experience.  Never wonder again.

	Entirely Elvis:  The victim has an opportunity to wear his or
her own rhinestone suit and be Elvis for a day.  Pioneer Karaoke
Decks allow you to sing along with the King during any of his
movie or stage performances.  Gyrate until your sick.  Our most
popular program.

	Candle In the Wind:  Marilyn may be gone, but our impersonator
isn't.  And she's especially stunning when the wind blows
through our simulated subway grate.  Take your own photos of the
immemorial moment.  A small surcharge even allows you to be JFK
for an evening you'll never forget.

	Man in the Mirror:  Using special morphing and video-editing
techniques, you can put Michael through his many
transformations.  Black, white, black again.  Change his nose. 
Light his hair on fire.  Your imagination is all you need to
have.  A specially rewritten version of Lolita shows you the
sickening implications of Mike's pedophile side.

	All these and many more available.  We'll tailor to anyone's
needs.  Call 1-800-MARILYN today!

Chris Boraski.